Are You Talkin’ To Me?

John McClellan AQDPI InterviewI once had a drivers license that contained a photo of me that did not quite fit into the box. I was able to evade a DUI with this ID by asking the cop if not was not the biggest and fattest head he has ever seen… It may not seem too funny now, but at the time, it was hilarious enough to skate away from a potential crime scene. The hidden point here is that as a stand up comedian you do things that you think are good at the time but really don’t stand up later. And by things-I mean interviews.

As a comedian, I get final say on what how the show will sound-they’re my jokes. But in an interview, I don’t really have a vote on how it looks or sounds. I am in no way complaining about doing an interview-If someone wants to talk about me-I have all day for that. Performers want attention. However, we worry about how things are going to look afterwards because deep inside the fragile broken artist is a ferocious megalomaniac that doesn’t want to pay for their drinks.

The hidden point within the hidden point here is that I did a video interview with Sareth Ney for his website aqdpi.com that turned out all right. He asked me some solid questions that allowed me to answer without looking like a talk show on the CW Network and the video does not included my entire head-allowing me to show this to the law the next time I get pulled over…

John McClellan AQDPI.com Interview CLICK HERE

Partyup

Prince was the FBI of music. He flipped people. But instead of ratting on your friends like the feds want you to do, he gave you to the power to sway them. Prince was so cool-he made you cooler…

Michael Jackson was crowned the “King Of Pop” but fuck Michael Jackson-I didn’t listen to him. I listened to Prince. Prince changed the way people listened and saw music. He cut across lines and spoke to even the hardest of my Rust Belt, flask toting friends… but it didn’t really take off until “Purple Rain” hit the streets.

The album was on every station and TV channel, however, the movie was only showing on the “other” side of town on the opening weekend. Undaunted, my girl and I arrived for the 10PM showing without having any idea what we were walking into. Every uptight suburbanite nightmare was in place: Only white people there? Check. Loud as fuck? Check. Oh… there is something else on the list. About to have the greatest movie experience ever? CHECK!

The theater was like a concert. Booze, drugs and sex happening within feet of us! But the movie was the star-every put down in the script was cheered as if we were down on the corner and the music had everyone rocking. This place was alive!

Midway through the film, The Time were ripping the shit out of the place and mid-song went into a choreographed team slide across the stage. The whole movie theater went dead silent for a second then FUCKING EXPLODED in a way I have never seen before or since. People jumping straight out of their seats, fireworks (yes… fireworks) exploding, drugs exchanged and total strangers high fiving each other. I have know idea what happened in the next 3 minutes as the power of the audience what was we all were focused on now.

Which brings us back to the point of how Prince made you cool. Moment after the explosion my girl and I overheard a guy talking to his date about the previous scene.
DUDE TRYING TO BE COOL: “Man… that slide ain’t shit. I’ve been doing that for years.”

GIRL THAT’S NOT HAVING IT: “Well, how come you don’t do that with me?”

DUDE TRYING TO BE COOL NOW CHANNELING PRINCE: “I didn’t want to leave you on the other side of the dance floor…”

And…… scene.

Holy fuck! That is the line of the century. He shut her up and she went back to watching the movie. That’s what Prince did, cool was his advantage and by using a little Prince swagger a regular guy can do some groundbreaking shit.

Up Periscope

Accountability is the one dream that nobody chases, but thanks to the internet’s magical power of recording everything you say after happy hour, accountability eventually finds you and makes you pay. Thankfully some shady tech heads have produced a few ethereal applications that make it possible to shorten the shelf life on our hooch fueled regressions.

Specifically I am speaking of Periscope. Its’s the Twitter app that allows you to broadcast live from where ever you can steal WiFi. Periscope broadcasts only stay active for 48 hours then they disappear like your friends when you have a show coming up. I signed up for Periscope in hopes of becoming the kind of internet famous only the few reporters that have had bird shit land in their mouth, on live TV, could approach. Short of posting every half hour or performing some myopic self mutilation I had no real idea on how to get some attention on this platform. Broadcasting stand up shows was out. I don’t want to give away what I do for free and i’m sure as fuck not giving my phone to somebody, so I needed another idea.

It struck me that I dedicate a portion of the show to the theory that every bar in America has one bottle of booze they are dying to get rid of. It’s always a retched concoction that’s made black ops style in a slaughterhouse mop bucket and I invite the bar to pour me a shot on stage as a scam to score free booze. It always works and I felt trying to balance the sting of this mystery booze with running commentary would be a novel Periscope feed.

I have 6 broadcasts to date and a couple more that never made the internet (more on that later). I offer this as a recap of my favorites as an enticement to follow me on Periscope at @boozecoma.

MetaxaJohn McClellan Metaxa Boozecoma   A greek liquor that seems to be made from stale grandma candy and a sailor’s chest hair. This was actually the 1st Periscope feed and the longest (over 10 minutes) thanks to the other comics drinking with me and the fact that the bar has had this shit for so long they just handed over the bottle to us. To give you an idea of how bad this is, try doing a web search for this item. You get redirected to a video of an old Greek woman shaking her finger. By the way- 3 other bars have tried to get me to drink this as well…

Canadian Club-John McClellan Canadian Club Boozecoma  I knew I was in the wrong place when this was the worst booze they had. I’m looking bottles with pictures of guys working on a car or a painting of a Central American cock fight on the label. Not something Robert Goulet would drink on a limo ride to a morning talk show. This is cul de sac whiskey for guys in chinos that think drinking Yukon Jack would get them kicked out of the PTA. Unless you have appeared on a reality show and wear a biker jacket (evidence to the right…) It’s actually very smooth but after a few sips I had the sudden urge to play Toto on the jukebox.

John McClellan Wild Turkey BoozecomaWild Turkey-  If you ever wondered what the inside of a disposable lighter tastes like ask your bartender for a shot of Wild Turkey The only difference is the color of the liquid. At 101 proof, this stuff is good for 2 things: getting drunk quickly or for late term abortions. And by late, I mean last call late… I always see guys in beards drinking this-most likely because there is no way your hand will be steady enough to hold a razor the next morning.

 

Creme De Menthe-John McClellan Creme De Menthe Boozecoma This one was never broadcast on Periscope as the bar I was in was so old we were actually in a time before WiFi was invented. The only people alive that still drink this probably voted for Eisenhower. The flavor was so bad that if given the choice between having another and apologizing to every ex-girlfriend I’ve had, I would still be on the phone. I did some research and it seems Jack Kevorkian mixed Creme De Menthe with Sunny Delight to kill people.

John McClellan Moonshine BoozecomaMoonshine-  Also not broadcast since the players involved are not prone to having their faces plastered on the internet and attempt to stay in business and there may have been fresh bodies nearby. It’s customary to show you like the moonshine you’re drinking by making the sound of a locomotive whistle (Oooooh… Oooooh… OOOOOOH!). I believe it’s because you are about to get hit by a train. Conveniently comes in a mason jar so you can throw rusty screws in to clean them off.

 

Galliano- John McClellan Galliano Boozecoma Galliano was popular… Scratch that-it was never popular. It is the pinky swear of liquor. The the introduction of this liquor to a conversation will pull the truth out of you:
“Do you swear?”
“I’m telling the truth!”
“Do you swear on a glass of Galliano?”
(Makes grimacing facial expression)
This Periscope broadcast received the most hearts and comments at the moment I tossed back a full glass of this swill. I had the look of someone who had swallowed a ghost pepper with goat ass and cannoli filling.

There are more adventures with the world shiitiest bottles to come! Follow me on Periscope @boozecoma and I will see you at the bar…

Sucked In

I love being right. So I start every day telling myself “Today is going to suck.” And if it does… I’m right, and that makes me happy. If it doesn’t suck, it’s cool because I will most likely be right in the next few days. The point of this exercise in self trickery is to have zero suckery by being ready for all suckness that the high lord of Sucktown flings at me. And the point of this post is to tell you I have some new projects in the works that I am approaching with this mantra. One project is to produce my own show again in NYC with some very funny friends of mine. Instead of setting a date and planning how to fill seats from there, we are laying the ground work first with an actual plan.

One of the first things I did after discussing this with my eager partners was to watch this video again that was made by the Emmy winning video producer E2 Productions on the trials and tribulations of producing a comedy show I had in the East Village. It’s an entertaining piece (mostly because I am the star…) and a unique look on trying to get any kind of traction in the stand up world. I will keep you posted on what’s happening-thanks for supporting what I do!

John McClellan: The Story Of A Comedian Video

 

Buzzfeed Break In

In my never ending attempt to be everywhere at once in order to be at the right place at the right time, I have gotten a submission into the internet news site Buzzfeed. Take a look and leave your comments. The initial response has been good so look for more people!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/comedyshow/5-hidden-meanings-of-online-job-posting-terms-1e46e

Radio Show Clip!

The sure kiss of death for a stand up show is to either have your parents in the audience or tape the show in some way. In spite of this, I was able to capture a full show on audio that I am looking to turn into a CD. Over the course of digging through various audio and video clips (in order to write a new set so I can start selling the old one on CD…), I have stumbled on some good things to share. This is a clip of an appearance I made on the Monsters In The Morning show on Real Radio 104.1 in Orlando a few months back where i’m promoting my show and giving the inside scoop on being on reality TV.Photo Oct 07, 4 10 14 PM

 

Full Of Sheet

This a great time to be a sports fan with MLB Spring training and the NCAA Basketball tournament underway.  I’m going double fisted on Twitter these next few weekends live tweeting the games. Check out @ccnlive for tweets that regularly get retweeted by sports talk shows and sportswriters across the nation and my @boozecoma account for a little more cut throat humor.

Those of you that follow my sports Twitter account (And especially those of you that don’t…) can find an article I wrote for SportMockery.com on some alternative bracket pool ideas here: http://sportsmockery.com/couch-coach-live-march-madness-guide-24422/

New Tour Dates For The Southeast in November

I have traveled to 47 out of the 50 states during my stand up career. The 3 that I am missing will become 2 as I am set to perform in Louisiana on my upcoming series of dates in the Southeast. The last two, by the way are-Hawaii and Wyoming. And Wyoming I am saving for a time when I have fucked up proper and need to disappear into the wind…

Shows have been set already in Atlanta, Pensacola, Tallahassee, Orlando (with a second show to be announced soon) Punta Gorda, FL, Hammond, LA as well as a yet to be finalized show in Greenville, SC. The current list of shows can be found on the Tour Dates page on this site. Several established venues for me are on this run plus some new venues that have replaced the ones I drank dry!

As always you can get special show discounts and other perks by signing up to be on the Boozecoma email list. Hope to see you at the show.

 

Memorial Day Weekend Stand Up Shows

NEVOS SCRATCH

John McClellan cannonballs into the heartland of America for 3 stand up comedy smash ups May 23-25 in Illinois and Michigan! Click here for tickets venue and show information.


Follow Me On My New @ccnlive Twitter Account

I am posting part of a piece that I did as a series for a Baltimore sports radio station about what a sports bar should really be like in order to promote my new live sports comedy commentary Twitter account  The Couch Coach Network (@ccnlive). We are ripping into every live nationally televised sporting event as well as some regional NFL, NBA, NCAA and MLB games of note. I hope you will follow @ccnlive as well as retweet what you think are our best lines. In the meanwhile… I will be at the (sports) bar.

It seems that every bar that I walk into calls themselves a “Sports Bar.” Not so fast. Simply tuning your TV’s to a “sports” channel qualifies you to be a sports bar as much as buying a jersey allows you to bang Eva Longoria. I understand why places leave sports on all day. Restaurant and bar owners want their customers to have a good time while they are in their establishment so they don’t want people distracted with all the horrible things going on in the world like earthquakes, crime or “Glee”. So sports it is…

But to really be a sports bar you should have to set yourself apart from regular bars with the way you run your business. First of all you want to keep children and anyone that has ever ordered biscotti without being sarcastic out of the area so a sports bar should be like the adult movie section of your old neighborhood video store: It’s in the back corner of the place and you enter through old time saloon style doors under a sign that plainly reads “Adults Only-Must be 18 Years of Age.” Secondly, every TV should have sporting events on. EVERY FUCKING ONE. Not guys in turtlenecks and ponytails talking about sports. And by sports, I mean GAMES. Baseball, Basketball, UFC matches, Horse Racing, Australian Rules Football, South American body snatching, Chinese monkey punching-I don’t care what it is as long as it’s run back to back and nonstop like episodes of “Law And Order.

To me one of the reasons that someone would go to a sports bar would be to recreate the feeling of actually going to a sporting event-so why can’t a sports bar try to be more like the stadium? Let people bring their own chairs and let them grill out in the bar like they do in the parking lot. Encourage patrons to throw snowballs and bottles after bad calls like they do at the game. Show shots of the bar owner in his luxury box on the security camera every time one of his employees does something good. And have the bathroom set up like stadium bathrooms but pipe in random crowd cheering because if you think you are missing a big play it will keep the line moving.

Now in order to be successful the 21st century, you need to be interactive. That’s why the sports bar of the future should also have showers. If a guy gets out of line or switches from beer to white zinfandel the manager will come out, take his drink away, pat him on the butt, motion for the lefthander because he is done for the day.