Accountability is the one dream that nobody chases, but thanks to the internet’s magical power of recording everything you say after happy hour, accountability eventually finds you and makes you pay. Thankfully some shady tech heads have produced a few ethereal applications that make it possible to shorten the shelf life on our hooch fueled regressions.
Specifically I am speaking of Periscope. Its’s the Twitter app that allows you to broadcast live from where ever you can steal WiFi. Periscope broadcasts only stay active for 48 hours then they disappear like your friends when you have a show coming up. I signed up for Periscope in hopes of becoming the kind of internet famous only the few reporters that have had bird shit land in their mouth, on live TV, could approach. Short of posting every half hour or performing some myopic self mutilation I had no real idea on how to get some attention on this platform. Broadcasting stand up shows was out. I don’t want to give away what I do for free and i’m sure as fuck not giving my phone to somebody, so I needed another idea.
It struck me that I dedicate a portion of the show to the theory that every bar in America has one bottle of booze they are dying to get rid of. It’s always a retched concoction that’s made black ops style in a slaughterhouse mop bucket and I invite the bar to pour me a shot on stage as a scam to score free booze. It always works and I felt trying to balance the sting of this mystery booze with running commentary would be a novel Periscope feed.
I have 6 broadcasts to date and a couple more that never made the internet (more on that later). I offer this as a recap of my favorites as an enticement to follow me on Periscope at @boozecoma.
Metaxa A greek liquor that seems to be made from stale grandma candy and a sailor’s chest hair. This was actually the 1st Periscope feed and the longest (over 10 minutes) thanks to the other comics drinking with me and the fact that the bar has had this shit for so long they just handed over the bottle to us. To give you an idea of how bad this is, try doing a web search for this item. You get redirected to a video of an old Greek woman shaking her finger. By the way- 3 other bars have tried to get me to drink this as well…
Canadian Club- I knew I was in the wrong place when this was the worst booze they had. I’m looking bottles with pictures of guys working on a car or a painting of a Central American cock fight on the label. Not something Robert Goulet would drink on a limo ride to a morning talk show. This is cul de sac whiskey for guys in chinos that think drinking Yukon Jack would get them kicked out of the PTA. Unless you have appeared on a reality show and wear a biker jacket (evidence to the right…) It’s actually very smooth but after a few sips I had the sudden urge to play Toto on the jukebox.
Wild Turkey- If you ever wondered what the inside of a disposable lighter tastes like ask your bartender for a shot of Wild Turkey The only difference is the color of the liquid. At 101 proof, this stuff is good for 2 things: getting drunk quickly or for late term abortions. And by late, I mean last call late… I always see guys in beards drinking this-most likely because there is no way your hand will be steady enough to hold a razor the next morning.
Creme De Menthe- This one was never broadcast on Periscope as the bar I was in was so old we were actually in a time before WiFi was invented. The only people alive that still drink this probably voted for Eisenhower. The flavor was so bad that if given the choice between having another and apologizing to every ex-girlfriend I’ve had, I would still be on the phone. I did some research and it seems Jack Kevorkian mixed Creme De Menthe with Sunny Delight to kill people.
Moonshine- Also not broadcast since the players involved are not prone to having their faces plastered on the internet and attempt to stay in business and there may have been fresh bodies nearby. It’s customary to show you like the moonshine you’re drinking by making the sound of a locomotive whistle (Oooooh… Oooooh… OOOOOOH!). I believe it’s because you are about to get hit by a train. Conveniently comes in a mason jar so you can throw rusty screws in to clean them off.
Galliano- Galliano was popular… Scratch that-it was never popular. It is the pinky swear of liquor. The the introduction of this liquor to a conversation will pull the truth out of you:
“Do you swear?”
“I’m telling the truth!”
“Do you swear on a glass of Galliano?”
(Makes grimacing facial expression)
This Periscope broadcast received the most hearts and comments at the moment I tossed back a full glass of this swill. I had the look of someone who had swallowed a ghost pepper with goat ass and cannoli filling.
There are more adventures with the world shiitiest bottles to come! Follow me on Periscope @boozecoma and I will see you at the bar…