The video series that I do on YouTube-Pour Choice is back after a little break with a episode on Ready To Drink Cocktails. I get a lot of suggestions to do mixed drinks for the show and I waited until know because I didn’t know if it fit the theme of Pour Choice. There are 3 guidelines to making one of these videos.

1) It has to taste like shit
2) It has to be easy as shit to do
3 And it has to be funny as shit

This way when someone remarks “Your videos are shit!” I say “Thanks!”

What I believe set my videos apart from most other alcohol reviews (aside from every other reviewer out there is boring as shit…) Is that they are not too long. The attention span is short so these episodes need to be also. And after putting together my latest episode of Pour Choice, I found I had a little too much video so I decided to offer the 3rd review of Ready To Drink Cocktails-The Mai Tai here on my webpage. Here it is and thanks for coming along on this adventure!

There is a school down the street from me that is named after somebody but everyone just calls it “The School’ as I am sure they do in most places. I find it ironic that we have a school named after someone but nobody ever bothered to learn the name.

Schools aren’t the only things that have names bestowed upon them. Bridges are named after people. That is actually helpful since you can cure that person out after paying the exorbitant toll for crossing it. Streets carry people’s names as well, but that just confuses things. The street already has a name and now there is a second name that isn’t used. All you need to do to see my point is to ask directions: “Just go down that road with all the fast food places until you go under that asshole’s bridge and make a left at the school.”

I am sure getting a school, bridge or a street named after you is a high honor, but when you receive that honor, you are too long dead enough reap any hashtag traction out of it.

If you want to live forever in the minds of the citizens, there is only one way. Get your name on a bottle of booze. Jack, Johnnie and Jose are all common first names but if I am speaking about alcohol-you know exactly what I am talking about. Having name place on a liquor label not only makes you well known locally, it makes you famous internationally for generations to come.

What about the names of the immortal that appear on these bottles that weren’t real people? In my latest episode of Pour Choice: The Funniest Booze Reviews-BAR NONE! I examine 3 of these titans of the bottom shelf. I give you their stories and, as is the custom on the show, sample a bit of their concoctions.

I hope you enjoy the episode more than I did drinking their products…

Watch the latest Pour Choice video

I hear it from people all the time… “You need to be on TV” and “You need to have your own show!” Well I got tired of waiting for these chooches in charge to wise up and took matters into my own hands. That’s right-I have my own show!

Over on my YouTube Channel I have started a weekly video series called “Pour Choice” where I drink the worst liquor on the planet! Short format clips where I give some background on what I am drinking on the show, choke it down and attempt to see how we can come out ahead on this deal. This is something I have done in the past live from the bar (It actually started out as a scam to get free booze…) but the “Pour Choice” series will have better lighting and an 85% less chance of an arrest. As I write this, we are on the 7th episode and if you start from episode 1 (Well Tequila) you can see the improvements to the video quality and the content of the show.

I have had a ton of great suggestions for the shows and I encourage you to offer them as well. The goal is to be better every week. You can help me get there. Just watch the videos and subscribe to the channel. There is a new episode every Friday. Until then…

Bottoms Up!
JMC

Ever wake up in the middle of the night confused about where you are? It always takes a few seconds to focus on something familiar or unfamiliar (jailhouse doors and strange foreign languages are 2 examples…) to get a sense of where it is that you closed your eyes. Well… I had that happen to me in my own bed last night-as a result of really not being my own bed much lately. I have checked in and out of a lot of places recently on the (SH)Out On The Road Tour. Let me tell you about a few of them:

St Louis-
I was invited to The World Series Of Comedy Final Event to perform this year by the festival after being a top 3 finalist last year. What amazed me about this city is the generous amount of lawyer billboards around town. The one I saw most often was for an injury lawyer with an eye patch. Let me repeat that- An injury lawyer with an eye patch! Wow. Either this guy is the greatest injury lawyer you could have, as his having an injury will ensure that he fights for every nickel you have coming. Or, he is a bad lawyer and one of his losing clients stabbed his eye out.

Little Rock-

I have what I refer to as a “medium hard” name. Not overly easy to spell but not hard enough to pass a DUI test by spelling it. In Google searches I compete with several people that share my name. The most well known is John L McClellan, an Arkansas Senator that was quite powerful and was on the cover of Time Magazine. This guy’s name is all over Little Rock. A hospital, a school and a street. Yet when it came to filling out the comment cards at the club, nobody could get my name right. “Last guy”, “bald guy” and a series of consonants were the top 3. Thankfully they were all good and not a legally binding document I would need an eye patch lawyer to get out of.

Buffalo-

Nothing out of the ordinary happened in Buffalo. I had good shows and I just wanted to mention it.

Wichita-

I wear a jacket for every show and wear it when I go out after the show. I like the way it looks. However, I am normally the only person wearing a jacket in the places I go. After one of the shows in Wichita, I was approached by a local who asked loudly “ARE YOU SOMEBODY IMPORTANT?” I replied “Yeah. I’m the mayor of Wichita.” He retorted “I will bet you $500 you’re not the mayor of Wichita!” I looked right at him and said “If had $500 I would be the mayor of Wichita.” I didn’t have to buy a drink for the rest of the night.

Boston-

When being introduced, I never have the host include where I live. Where you live is not a credit. Being on TV is. Oddly though, the host in Boston mentioned I live in New York City. Come on… This is Boston! They hate New York City! So, as you would expect, I was greeted with a round of boos. As I get to the microphone I ask “Why are you booing? Because of the Yankees?” The audience confirmed that was the reason. I opened up on them. “FUCK THE YANKEES! I couldn’t root for the Yankees if they were playing Al Qaeda!!!!” The audience erupts with cheers and gunfire and I am given a standing ovation.

Thanks to everyone who came out to see me so far this year! There are still more shows on the way: Fort Wayne, Connecticut and New Jersey before the year is out with The Pensacola Comedy Festival and Philadelphia shows to start 2020. Hope to see you there.

The (SH)out On The Road Tour is in full swing! There have already been fantastic shows in Akron, Ohio and Syracuse NY featuring some great new material that is getting worked in every night. I am proud to be breaking in a lot of new markets on this tour and have plans for some long awaited merchandise that will be for sale shortly.

Come see for yourself in these cities:
Tulsa OK September 21-24
Loony Bin Comedy Club
http://tulsa.loonybincomedy.com/

Buffalo NY September 13-14
Rob’s Comedy Playhouse
http://www.robscomedyplayhouse.com/

Boston MA September 26-28
Laugh Boston
http://laughboston.com/

Little Rock AR October 16-19
Loony Bin Comedy Club
http://lr.loonybincomedy.com/

And Just Announced:
Ft Wayne IN-Long Island NY-Philadelphia PA

As always… Drinks will be served

Hope to see you soon!

JMC

I was on the diving team when I was in high school. I wasn’t very good but did go the the state regional meet one year when I finished dead last. The amazing news about that was this was the first time my name appeared in an other part of the newspaper from the “Police Blotter” section. I have spent the better half of my adult life trying to get people’s attention while skirting detection from the authorities with some success and now have the chance to combine these “skills” by appearing on Compound Media‘s “NY Crime Report” with Pat Dixon.

This will be the second time for me on this freewheeling live television program. Aside from looking like a walking police sketch, I do pretty well on TV… The show is being broadcasted at 7PM (East Coast Time) Monday February 26th. If you miss it-the show is archived so you can binge watch it like Law & Order.

Greetings from Northern California! The Bay area is a friendly land of opportunity because I have never been thrown out of any bars in this area (although I’m giving it everything i’ve got…). After wrapping up two weeks of stand up shows over this way, let’s roll the highlight reel.

First night was in Oakland and among the people in attendance was my buddy Wally. I have known this guy for 20 years but he will always hold a sense of reverence with me after scaring the shit out of Howie Mandel with fireworks on national TV. Wally knows how I like to run and gets me started quickly after getting paid by bum rushing the oldest bar on the West Coast down on the docks. The floor in this joint sank 5 feet in one of those pre-internet earthquakes. The amazing news here is, since this place has shifted far enough to dictate that trucks are required to use low gear, any freshly ordered drink tilts directly into your mouth while still on the bar. Now, you might deduce from this piece of information that no one would ever leave. However, this venue employs one of those horrid maritime jug bands, maintaining constant open seats.

Next stop-a TRUE dive bar that serves 40oz bottles of Mickey’s Malt Liquor. Mickey’s has been an evil pleasure of mine since the days of standing outside the carry out lassoing any guy that smelled like hash to buy beer for us. If you are not familiar with the “big bottle” lifestyle, it’s like drinking from a gas nozzle. And since California has a “no topping off” policy, I was capped at a gallon.

Next on the schedule, the excellent Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento for 2 shows Friday and 2 more on Saturday. I can tell when I am working an excellent club, based on the number of emails I get from other comics asking me to help them get work there and my inbox blows up every time I’m here. Friday, I wore a red jacket to disguise the Oakland aftershocks of my face. One of the hidden bonuses of working several shows in one venue is chance to make adjustments to my set. Without sounding like a braggart, I was proud of the work I did Saturday night-weaving in new material, interacting with the crowd along with the jokes that are in the show. I would also like to welcome all the new fans of the Facebook page and the email list from from those shows and the Easter Sunday performance in Santa Cruz!

Tuesday night I rolled into Modesto California for a show at a cigar bar run by a fellow comedian. After the first few jokes, I lit a cigar and said “I’m going to tell jokes until this smoke is finished-if you want more jokes, I’ going to need more cigars…” While that sounds pompous, I did an hour and twenty minutes at Cheroot Cigar Lounge and smoked and drank with the audience like I was in the Russian Army. Easily my favorite performance of 2017.

Wrapped up my run here with some good shows at Comedy Oakland and a surprise visit from a friend from my home town. If you have any photos from any of the shows-feel free to share them here or on the Facebook page.

I haven’t had a lot of luck with getting press lately so I thought I would interview myself about the X Games.

Boozecoma World News: Have you been watching the X Games?
John McClellan: I do like to watch the X Games because it’s the only sporting event, other than the hot dog eating competition, that every single contestant has a real and legitimate chance to die. I root for every contestant’s death to the point when a guy stumbles after a jump and is able to finish his run, I feel a little cheated.

BWN: After a contestant actually died a few years back the focus has on been the stories behind the competitors.
JMC: Good stories are not what the people want anymore. There is a real desire for something that ends in tears and maybe some eventual rule changes to compensate the grieving energy drink sponsors. You really can’t understand how hard these stunts are to perform until some shag-head is pinned between a dirt bike and a blood soaked snow bank using his last breath to apologize about running away from home.

BWN: As a parent that would be devastating to watch.
JMC: I’m pretty sure most of these kids are products of broken homes. Who else would bankroll the parade of totaled dirt bikes it takes to perfect these tricks other than a weekend dad trying to buy his son’s love?

BWN: What do you like about watching the events?
JMC: The Winter X Games are built around the idea of so-called “extreme” athletes who on purpose perform mid-air skiing and motorized vehicle tricks. This had to be invented by accident by some drunk Wisconsin yahoo when he lost control of his Polaris. It’s literally like watching security footage at last call.

BWN: What would you change about the games?
JMC: Make me the announcer. I would invent the names of the tricks on the spot to sound like dirty sex maneuvers. “Oh! He came off the lip into a Scottish Phone Booth and completed a near perfect Cuban Science Exam! We were expecting to see the Double Fudgehammer but he just went with the flow on that run.”

BWN: Will you be performing any Double Fudgehammers anytime soon?
JMC: Check my website for upcoming shows…

When I first saw that the web search engine Bing declared that my Boozecoma.com site “might be dangerous” I thought “FINALLY! The recognition I deserve has been bestowed upon me!” However, before proper celebrations begin, what exactly makes it dangerous? Most likely all the really dirty shit takes place on Yahoo and Google keeping me in Safety Town with that crew. Bing is for Windows users and anyone watching Russian snuff films is doing it on a Mac to keep from getting the viruses (so i’ve heard) and resulting pornado that come from repeated viewing of unsavory foreign fluffing. On a danger scale I feel I’m ahead of the curve based on having a definition actually REJECTED on Urban Dictionary. But getting flagged by the Sbarro’s of web browsers makes me wonder.

You see people, dangerous isn’t that dangerous anymore. Danger got lazy. We don’t rob folks on the street any longer, it’s done from your Aunt’s basement on the internet from guys that learned hacking skills during lunch instead of eating because their milk money got peeled on the school bus. What is really scary to you chronic smart phone holders is actual confrontation. That is why Yelp is so popular. It is a one way conversation that allows you to complain about minute bullshit without the hassle of being interrupted by facts and logic. As I have said before-All it takes is one guy at Dunkin Donuts to reach across the counter and snap your head back on your latte boated ass to set the universe back in the right direction. In reality, danger is where the flavor is. As an example, let’s use the death of Carrie Fisher. There was an outpouring of sadness when she died, and rightfully so. Yet, it was mostly from Star Wars geeks who pined over her as she was the untouchable goddess from their youth. I never gave a shit about that movie. The Carrie Fisher that sent me floating was the pill popping, bad decision making version because frankly, those are the girls I have the most experience with. I’m not looking to rehash film scenes if I’m lucky enough to lasso a movie star, this guy wants to go off the rails and do carnal stunts that leave a scar. You only get one shot and you have to make it count. Again… flavor.

The only reasonable explanation I can surmise with the Bing thing is my website’s name-Boozecoma. I realize that this domain name may have hurt my entertainment progress in the past. I do have another, more palatable site that features my stand up at themidlifersstanduptour.com. As for the Boozecoma name, I chose it for several reasons:

1. My thought was it was easier to spell than my last name, therefore easier to get to.
2. It was an attempt to brand myself.
3. Some chooch already had JohnMcClellan locked up and I would rather pay to keep my name OFF the internet than pay to put it on there…

Once something is on the internet-it is on there forever. With this in mind, let’s keep my Bing status the way it is and kindly ask Google and Yahoo to grant my site “dangerous” status. After all, there is safety in numbers.

It used to be the end of something came when you ran out of mistakes. But on the internet my friends, you are never out of mistakes. The internet is a warehouse of enough monumental slips and errors to make your biggest fuck ups worth only 37 YouTube views. I find my social media excellent for exploiting mistakes I make on purpose. Here is a taste of some of my recent exploits:

Twitter: My account is @boozecoma and if you are not following me you should. I’m posting jokes, show dates and some extra curricular activities like this number:

Instagram: The account is @boozecomashots and is great for capturing lapses in judgment such as this highlight:

Periscope: Reserved for my Shittiest Bottle series where I find the worst bottle in the bar and drink it live. I first chronicled it here in an earlier post. The account is also @boozecoma but since some of you don’t have the app-here is a link to a video of my encounter with Bubble vodka.

Use your better judgement people…