You Must Be Mistaken

 

It used to be the end of something came when you ran out of mistakes. But on the internet my friends, you are never out of mistakes. The internet is a warehouse of enough monumental slips and errors to make your biggest fuck ups worth only 37 YouTube views. I find my social media excellent for exploiting mistakes I make on purpose. Here is a taste of some of my recent exploits:

Twitter: My account is @boozecoma and if you are not following me you should. I’m posting jokes, show dates and some extra curricular activities like this number:

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Instagram: The account is @boozecomashots and is great for capturing lapses in judgment such as this highlight:

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Periscope: Reserved for my Shittiest Bottle series where I find the worst bottle in the bar and drink it live. I first chronicled it here in an earlier post. The account is also @boozecoma but since some of you don’t have the app-here is a link to a video of my encounter with Bubble vodka.

 

Use your better judgement people…

 

Ham Radio

john-mcclellan-wfduI gotten banned from a radio station once after telling the morning show that they were so lame that no matter how bad my segment was it would still make their “best of” recap broadcast on the weekend. That was an anomaly however, as I enjoy being on the air. I’m good on the radio. I come prepared and use the opportunity to sell tickets to the show and broaden my fan base. The best shows though are the ones where you never look at your notes and end up staying for the whole show.

I had the chance to go on the air last weekend on WFDU Saturday morning at 8am. I don’t normally get up at 6:30 on Saturday morning and if I do, somebody’s husband came home early… But this would be a way to help promote a show I am doing locally on the 23rd.

Here is a quick video from the broadcast where I tell the story about opening for David Lee Roth and a link to the entire show from the station archives (I come in 60 minutes into the program) where I talk about how I got started in stand up, some other celebrity encounters and lots of talk about music with the fantastic Paul Felice.

John McClellan Live On WFDU Video

John McClellan “Hooks Riffs And Attitude” Show on WFDU with Paul Felice

The Freeze Out

Blue Ice Cream Covered TongueYou ever wake up one day and look at that person you’re in relationship with and say “I hate you” calmly and viciously? I did that today. And that person is the ice cream man.

I used to love the ice cream man. That beautiful music slowly gaining volume as he crept closer to your front yard. The menu on the side of the truck that told a magical delicious story by using only pictures. The thrill of seeing the entire neighborhood converge to the epicenter of frozen treats, each child holding their icy reward as swords after a victorious battle as the ice cream man vaporized like Merlin. And the kids that missed the truck? They ran after it like they were lawyers that run cable TV ads after midnight and that truck was an ambulance.

What happened?

I’ll tell you what happened. He changed.

Relationships need work and Jingle Joe got lazy. This confection peddler doesn’t bother rolling down the street any longer, he just pulls his stumblebum show up to the corner, parks in front of the hydrant and starts blasting his tired carny music like a diabetic siren. And that music… it is awful. It woke me out of a solid morning sleep after a 9 tequila night. At first I thought the carbon dioxide alarm had gone off. No such luck. The sad calliope keeps going in the way that a karaoke song keeps going even after the drunks bail on the number.

We all loved the ice cream man because of the chase involved. When I was little, a kid I knew ran after the ice cream truck far enough that he had to call his parents collect from a pay phone to come get him. That’s dedication and this leather lunged youngster returned a hero. However this fat bastard on the street is sitting his deserted truck like he just got his Tinder account revoked for the 3rd time. Still the music pounds away. I can’t take it anymore. He’s next to a hydrant so let’s call in a fire!

Here come the fire trucks… time to go back to bed.

Are You Talkin’ To Me?

John McClellan AQDPI InterviewI once had a drivers license that contained a photo of me that did not quite fit into the box. I was able to evade a DUI with this ID by asking the cop if not was not the biggest and fattest head he has ever seen… It may not seem too funny now, but at the time, it was hilarious enough to skate away from a potential crime scene. The hidden point here is that as a stand up comedian you do things that you think are good at the time but really don’t stand up later. And by things-I mean interviews.

As a comedian, I get final say on what how the show will sound-they’re my jokes. But in an interview, I don’t really have a vote on how it looks or sounds. I am in no way complaining about doing an interview-If someone wants to talk about me-I have all day for that. Performers want attention. However, we worry about how things are going to look afterwards because deep inside the fragile broken artist is a ferocious megalomaniac that doesn’t want to pay for their drinks.

The hidden point within the hidden point here is that I did a video interview with Sareth Ney for his website aqdpi.com that turned out all right. He asked me some solid questions that allowed me to answer without looking like a talk show on the CW Network and the video does not included my entire head-allowing me to show this to the law the next time I get pulled over…

John McClellan AQDPI.com Interview CLICK HERE

Partyup

Prince was the FBI of music. He flipped people. But instead of ratting on your friends like the feds want you to do, he gave you to the power to sway them. Prince was so cool-he made you cooler…

Michael Jackson was crowned the “King Of Pop” but fuck Michael Jackson-I didn’t listen to him. I listened to Prince. Prince changed the way people listened and saw music. He cut across lines and spoke to even the hardest of my Rust Belt, flask toting friends… but it didn’t really take off until “Purple Rain” hit the streets.

The album was on every station and TV channel, however, the movie was only showing on the “other” side of town on the opening weekend. Undaunted, my girl and I arrived for the 10PM showing without having any idea what we were walking into. Every uptight suburbanite nightmare was in place: Only white people there? Check. Loud as fuck? Check. Oh… there is something else on the list. About to have the greatest movie experience ever? CHECK!

The theater was like a concert. Booze, drugs and sex happening within feet of us! But the movie was the star-every put down in the script was cheered as if we were down on the corner and the music had everyone rocking. This place was alive!

Midway through the film, The Time were ripping the shit out of the place and mid-song went into a choreographed team slide across the stage. The whole movie theater went dead silent for a second then FUCKING EXPLODED in a way I have never seen before or since. People jumping straight out of their seats, fireworks (yes… fireworks) exploding, drugs exchanged and total strangers high fiving each other. I have know idea what happened in the next 3 minutes as the power of the audience what was we all were focused on now.

Which brings us back to the point of how Prince made you cool. Moment after the explosion my girl and I overheard a guy talking to his date about the previous scene.
DUDE TRYING TO BE COOL: “Man… that slide ain’t shit. I’ve been doing that for years.”

GIRL THAT’S NOT HAVING IT: “Well, how come you don’t do that with me?”

DUDE TRYING TO BE COOL NOW CHANNELING PRINCE: “I didn’t want to leave you on the other side of the dance floor…”

And…… scene.

Holy fuck! That is the line of the century. He shut her up and she went back to watching the movie. That’s what Prince did, cool was his advantage and by using a little Prince swagger a regular guy can do some groundbreaking shit.

Up Periscope

Accountability is the one dream that nobody chases, but thanks to the internet’s magical power of recording everything you say after happy hour, accountability eventually finds you and makes you pay. Thankfully some shady tech heads have produced a few ethereal applications that make it possible to shorten the shelf life on our hooch fueled regressions.

Specifically I am speaking of Periscope. Its’s the Twitter app that allows you to broadcast live from where ever you can steal WiFi. Periscope broadcasts only stay active for 48 hours then they disappear like your friends when you have a show coming up. I signed up for Periscope in hopes of becoming the kind of internet famous only the few reporters that have had bird shit land in their mouth, on live TV, could approach. Short of posting every half hour or performing some myopic self mutilation I had no real idea on how to get some attention on this platform. Broadcasting stand up shows was out. I don’t want to give away what I do for free and i’m sure as fuck not giving my phone to somebody, so I needed another idea.

It struck me that I dedicate a portion of the show to the theory that every bar in America has one bottle of booze they are dying to get rid of. It’s always a retched concoction that’s made black ops style in a slaughterhouse mop bucket and I invite the bar to pour me a shot on stage as a scam to score free booze. It always works and I felt trying to balance the sting of this mystery booze with running commentary would be a novel Periscope feed.

I have 6 broadcasts to date and a couple more that never made the internet (more on that later). I offer this as a recap of my favorites as an enticement to follow me on Periscope at @boozecoma.

MetaxaJohn McClellan Metaxa Boozecoma   A greek liquor that seems to be made from stale grandma candy and a sailor’s chest hair. This was actually the 1st Periscope feed and the longest (over 10 minutes) thanks to the other comics drinking with me and the fact that the bar has had this shit for so long they just handed over the bottle to us. To give you an idea of how bad this is, try doing a web search for this item. You get redirected to a video of an old Greek woman shaking her finger. By the way- 3 other bars have tried to get me to drink this as well…

Canadian Club-John McClellan Canadian Club Boozecoma  I knew I was in the wrong place when this was the worst booze they had. I’m looking bottles with pictures of guys working on a car or a painting of a Central American cock fight on the label. Not something Robert Goulet would drink on a limo ride to a morning talk show. This is cul de sac whiskey for guys in chinos that think drinking Yukon Jack would get them kicked out of the PTA. Unless you have appeared on a reality show and wear a biker jacket (evidence to the right…) It’s actually very smooth but after a few sips I had the sudden urge to play Toto on the jukebox.

John McClellan Wild Turkey BoozecomaWild Turkey-  If you ever wondered what the inside of a disposable lighter tastes like ask your bartender for a shot of Wild Turkey The only difference is the color of the liquid. At 101 proof, this stuff is good for 2 things: getting drunk quickly or for late term abortions. And by late, I mean last call late… I always see guys in beards drinking this-most likely because there is no way your hand will be steady enough to hold a razor the next morning.

 

Creme De Menthe-John McClellan Creme De Menthe Boozecoma This one was never broadcast on Periscope as the bar I was in was so old we were actually in a time before WiFi was invented. The only people alive that still drink this probably voted for Eisenhower. The flavor was so bad that if given the choice between having another and apologizing to every ex-girlfriend I’ve had, I would still be on the phone. I did some research and it seems Jack Kevorkian mixed Creme De Menthe with Sunny Delight to kill people.

John McClellan Moonshine BoozecomaMoonshine-  Also not broadcast since the players involved are not prone to having their faces plastered on the internet and attempt to stay in business and there may have been fresh bodies nearby. It’s customary to show you like the moonshine you’re drinking by making the sound of a locomotive whistle (Oooooh… Oooooh… OOOOOOH!). I believe it’s because you are about to get hit by a train. Conveniently comes in a mason jar so you can throw rusty screws in to clean them off.

 

Galliano- John McClellan Galliano Boozecoma Galliano was popular… Scratch that-it was never popular. It is the pinky swear of liquor. The the introduction of this liquor to a conversation will pull the truth out of you:
“Do you swear?”
“I’m telling the truth!”
“Do you swear on a glass of Galliano?”
(Makes grimacing facial expression)
This Periscope broadcast received the most hearts and comments at the moment I tossed back a full glass of this swill. I had the look of someone who had swallowed a ghost pepper with goat ass and cannoli filling.

There are more adventures with the world shiitiest bottles to come! Follow me on Periscope @boozecoma and I will see you at the bar…

Sucked In

I love being right. So I start every day telling myself “Today is going to suck.” And if it does… I’m right, and that makes me happy. If it doesn’t suck, it’s cool because I will most likely be right in the next few days. The point of this exercise in self trickery is to have zero suckery by being ready for all suckness that the high lord of Sucktown flings at me. And the point of this post is to tell you I have some new projects in the works that I am approaching with this mantra. One project is to produce my own show again in NYC with some very funny friends of mine. Instead of setting a date and planning how to fill seats from there, we are laying the ground work first with an actual plan.

One of the first things I did after discussing this with my eager partners was to watch this video again that was made by the Emmy winning video producer E2 Productions on the trials and tribulations of producing a comedy show I had in the East Village. It’s an entertaining piece (mostly because I am the star…) and a unique look on trying to get any kind of traction in the stand up world. I will keep you posted on what’s happening-thanks for supporting what I do!

John McClellan: The Story Of A Comedian Video

 

Buzzfeed Break In

In my never ending attempt to be everywhere at once in order to be at the right place at the right time, I have gotten a submission into the internet news site Buzzfeed. Take a look and leave your comments. The initial response has been good so look for more people!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/comedyshow/5-hidden-meanings-of-online-job-posting-terms-1e46e

Radio Show Clip!

The sure kiss of death for a stand up show is to either have your parents in the audience or tape the show in some way. In spite of this, I was able to capture a full show on audio that I am looking to turn into a CD. Over the course of digging through various audio and video clips (in order to write a new set so I can start selling the old one on CD…), I have stumbled on some good things to share. This is a clip of an appearance I made on the Monsters In The Morning show on Real Radio 104.1 in Orlando a few months back where i’m promoting my show and giving the inside scoop on being on reality TV.Photo Oct 07, 4 10 14 PM

 

Full Of Sheet

This a great time to be a sports fan with MLB Spring training and the NCAA Basketball tournament underway.  I’m going double fisted on Twitter these next few weekends live tweeting the games. Check out @ccnlive for tweets that regularly get retweeted by sports talk shows and sportswriters across the nation and my @boozecoma account for a little more cut throat humor.

Those of you that follow my sports Twitter account (And especially those of you that don’t…) can find an article I wrote for SportMockery.com on some alternative bracket pool ideas here: http://sportsmockery.com/couch-coach-live-march-madness-guide-24422/